two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i out mim tonsoeep
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