Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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