my phone cant type all the emotion im having
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
