I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
