it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
