Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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