Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
