literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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