Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
