2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
