May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
