Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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