So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
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if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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