oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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