Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
