trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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