I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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