I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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