We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
