You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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