he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
