mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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