do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sober January is a disaster.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
