my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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