I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize