Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
