That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So. Much. Porn.
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