From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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