Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
