Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
