She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
