i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
