Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I love you.
Bad choice
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