I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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