How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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