No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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