A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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