Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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