I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
