Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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