the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
