She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
