I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
