i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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