I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
