You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
