Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
