Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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