the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
