i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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