I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
