Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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