Pants 0. Shit 1.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
