i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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