Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
