Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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