so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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